I’m not gunna sit back and pretend that shit didn’t hurt, because it did.
But not because you left.
It hurts because I didn’t.
It hurts because every thing that I could have left about, I stuck around for.
I took it.
Like having someone else you were kissing for the first third of us seeing each other, and literally never bothering to tell me until I. Asked. You.
Or taking call outs terribly.
Then making fun of me and my shit every time we were around each other.
But I stuck it out.
Because when it wasn’t fucking stupid, it was great.
Life lessons go like
No one that’s never had to deal is gunna sign up to do it.
Perspective is some shit.
For as long as i remember i have said “i always think ive hit rock bottom. But then the gravel shifts.”
Dear life. I need friends. And i feel like I have been going out of my way to make it happen lately- but after a break up im on more egh shells than ever before. Im afraid of talking to people about how i feel, and im afraid of crossing invisible lines by talking to people.
I feel like the decision to navigate pain instead of navigating weirdness has been made, and I wasn’t involved in it.
I feel like I have been neatly tucked away.
Maybe to be used as the tragic love story in another novel.
Maybe to be the real life tragedy they all thought they could handle, but couldn’t.
Maybe to be forgotten.
Fear is the look in my eyes when I realize I have no one to talk to.
Fear is the realization that no one has the time or energy to hear me.
That even if I did speak- my words would be discounted, disbelieved, or go totally unheard.
Fear is me alone. And not one person who cares enough to fake it through a day with me.
My god sized hole.
im trapped in a body i dont belong in and i dont know how to get out
First and foremost, just know youre not alone.
Second, know that there are a lot of ways to feel better about it.
Hormones are a super way to start, and they are the least expensive way to get on your way. Real talk. They also do amazing things for your body, and are super gender affirming in my opinion.
Im always here to talk.